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Sow and Ewe and the Cows created a makeshift shrine in a vacant stall. They lit candles (in defiance of the barn’s no-fire policy) and chanted five hundred Hail Marys. The wives wanted to invoke the Virgin so they could scold her about the hash that had been made of the Ass family.
Hen refused to participate. She opted out for reasons of conscience.
And, lo and behold, Queen Mary appeared to them. “Girls,” she announced, taking the offense, “don’t think I don’t know how you opposed me at the beginning. Your first words to Jackass were to discourage him from the task of the holey bucket.”
“We want to talk to you about exactly that,” said Sow. “These quests of yours put men in a muddle.”
“We need family men,” Ewe said, “not zealots and fanatics.”
“Of course you do,” the Virgin huffed. “But after the babies come. What girl ever swooned over a hot accountant? The ovulating female wants romance. Danger. Risk. A cowboy. A knight errant.”
Sow snorted. “Some of us are sensible, even as piglets.”
Cow Three giggled. “I’ll admit, I fall for the bad boy every time.”
Ewe said to the Holy Mother, “With all due respect, you’ve gotten unbalanced since this perpetual virginity thing took over.”
Hen came strutting into the stall at that moment. She immediately began hectoring the Virgin: “So Her Holiness deigns to visit us? Do you have any idea, Mary, what your unsullied purity does to the rest of us here in the physical world? I, for one, reject the tired old virgin-whore dichotomy.”
Cow One protested. “Can we please stay on topic?”
Sow said, “Look, Hen, the rest of us worked hard to conjure the Virgin. You can’t just waltz in here with your own selfish agenda.”
Ewe said, “The issue is not duality. It’s trinity. Holy Mary used to be her own trinity. Things were much more even-handed when there was a real mother, and a crone too, to complement the maiden.”
“Fools! Fools!” the Virgin exploded. “You think it’s easy being what you call a perpetual virgin. I’ll show you a thing or two. I’ll give you perpetual virginity.“ The Holy Queen’s fury was awesome. She roared like a lioness: “I Bless You, Now and Forever More, you stupid females, with Perpetual Virginity!”
In a swirl of angry mist she vanished, leaving behind a puzzled bunch of barnyard wives.
“She’s bluffing,” Hen said, but without conviction.
“What was that all about?” bleated Ewe.
“I have a bad feeling,” Sow said glumly, “a very bad feeling.”